Law & Dismay
by No Limit 5
Summary: Rika and her Heart of Gold detectives are preparing for the month of Halloween this year, but they learn of a terrible curse upon their city during this month. Will they survive this encounter of the supernatural? Only time will tell...
1. Prologue – Tales from the Limited Crypt

_Your attention please. For the first time ever on FanFiction, the following story will be presented in…_

**Scream-O-Vision**

_A byproduct of Holland's mass tulip industry, Scream-O-Vision heightens your viewing experience by prompting you when to scream. Let's try it now._

**SCREAM**

_AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!_

_Good. And now we proudly present the following story in…_

**Scream-O-Vision**

The date was October 1, 2008. The some citizens of Crime City happily set up their declarations for the month. Others, however, decided to go for a more…dedicated approach. In the apartment that housed the detective agency Team Limit Inc., they had completely remodeled into an exact replica of the _Tales from the Crypt_ set – complete with a coffin.

The cover creaked up open with a "THUD" by a bony arm.

**SCREAM**

_AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!_

The being inside slowly dragged itself out, moaning and gasping for breath. It looked just as one would expect it to look like: a zombie with dried, crippling skin decaying away as its eyes were pointed in bizarre directions and very few hairs upon its head. It wore a black, warn, and torn jacket and a thin-strip, black mask. The zombie's neck cracked as it jerked it head toward you, the reader(s). "Hello, Boils and Ghouls!" it greeted with a strangely normal voice – if not, heightened it to make himself sound scarier. "I will be your storyteller for this evening, the Crypt Keeper 5! October: the month that homes the most terrifying holiday there is – Halloween, generally, for the most part, celebrated for trick-or-treating and sweets. But there are things _far_ more terrifying…as a young fourteen-year-old girl and her team of detectives will soon learn."

"Oh, cut the crap!" a female witch snapped, walking into the room.

**SCREAM**

_AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!_

"Ha-ha, very funny…" she glared angrily at the Crypt Keeper 5. She had long, pink hair that stretched down to her waist; and wore a black gown, a pointed witch hat, and a fake rubber nose with warts. "Just get to telling the story! No one likes these kinds of prologues, anyway!"

"Oh, come on, Mystery…" the Keeper whined. "It was an obvious enough satire."

"Whatever…" Mystery sighed.

The Keeper turned back to you, the reader(s). "Well, then. Allow me to get cracking on this story!" He reached into his coffin and pulled out a large, ancient book of tales titled _The Book of Terrifying Tales_.

_**Law & Dismay**_

CK5: And so begins my Halloween story!

Mystery: Note: In all seriousness, this story is going to be FAR more violent, horrifying, and dramatic than No Limit's other stories. You've been warned!

CK5: She's not kidding. Oh. And I forgot to mention I changed the name of the city. Whoops!

Mystery: Read and Review!


	2. The Month of Monsters

_**Chapter 1 – The Month of Monsters**_

"_Tis the season to be jolly!_" a little, black duck happily with a white collar around his neck sang joyously as he hung tinsel from his apartment's faux fireplace. "_Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la!_" He wore a red vest with a zipper, a white belt with two holsters each carrying a glowing green nunchaku, and a blue beret.

"For the last time, Daffy, it's too damn early for Christmas," a fourteen year old girl grumbled as she sat on a couch. She wore a pair of dark blue jeans, black sneakers, a white t-shirt with blue short sleeves and hood, a pair of black fingerless-gloves, a black belt pack worn backwards, and had tied her hair back into a ponytail with a blue ribbon.

"H-h-he won't listen, R-Rika…" a pink pig said despondently with a stutter or grunt as he held up a box of ornaments for Daffy. He wore a green jacket with a zipper and buckled around the waist with an emblem of a rabbit's head on the back and a small black fez rested on top of his head.

"Nonsense, my dear!" Daffy exclaimed cheerfully, waving his hammer about cheerfully.

"S-s-see?"

Daffy shoved tinsel in his sidekick's mouth. "Don't interrupt, Porky. I'm on a roll!" Porky merely murmured incoherent curses. "You see, Rika…I'm a Christmas duck. Not a Halloween duck. Have you ever heard of a Halloween duck? Preposterous!" he shouted, splattering Porky and Rika's faces with spittle. "Besides, Halloween creeps me out."

"Well, even so, we've got to get ready for that Crime City costume party," Rika said, wiping duck saliva from her face with a squeegee and then handing the tool to Porky. "We're already ten minutes late."

"Ooooh, no!" Daffy protested, waving his hands in front of him. "You ain't getting ME into an outfit that'll defile my dignity! No way! No sir! I'm not going! And nothing you say will change my mind!" Daffy held his bill up high, crossing his arms resolvedly.

"I-I'll give you five dollars," Porky grinned slyly, holding up five dollar bills.

"DEAL!!"

_**--**_

Rika, happily dressed in a blue and brown cowgirl outfit, lead her group of Heart of Gold detectives to the Crime City costume party. After much persuasion, Rika managed to convince Daffy to come quietly if he swapped costumes with Porky. Daffy was calmly marching forward in a Dracula costume while Porky had to don a orange monkey suit – literally. "T-T-This is dis-dis-dis, upsetting," Porky finally concluded.

"Upsetting?" Arthur Dent, average British man of the team, sneered. "I'm STILL dressed in my pajamas!"

"Hey, man, the shop was out. What could we do?" Ford Prefect, Arthur's best friend and currently dressed as a lizard-man, said with a shrug of one shoulder.

"Beats Newbie's," Doctor Perry Cox, a doctor dressed as a hockey jock, said, jabbing a thumb in the direction of his fellow doctor.

"I think I look great," John "JD" Dorian said blissfully, dressed as the front half of a unicorn.

"That's 'cause you're the head," Stitch griped, poking his head out the middle from the lower half of the unicorn.

"Quiet, you!" JD said. "Unicorn buttocks aren't meant to talk unless spoken to."

"…I'm sorry?"

"Ha! Suck being the 'butt' of everyone's jokes, huh buddy?!" a robot named Bender cackled, dressed as a pink fairy with golden curls, wings, and wand.

"Like you can talk," Stitch snickered deviously.

"Can't we go through _one_ evening without a riot breaking out?" Trisha "Trillian" McMillian sighed tiredly, dressed as a knight.

"Baby, please!" Zaphod Beeblebrox laughed uproariously, dressed as a disco freak from the seventies. "Ain't no party without no riots and looting!"

"That's a double negative," Yakko Warner whispered to you, the reader(s), with a wink.

"We're going as a totem pole!" Dot Warner said happily, standing atop her brother's shoulder in brown paint.

"Great…" Yakko and Wakko deadpanned sarcastically.

"Quite perplexing…" Doctor Gregory House mused mockingly, pretending to take puffs from his wooden pipe that came with his Sherlock Holmes costume. "The unusually thick fog, the cold air that just tingles the spines, dead leaves flying all about, a mad dog just tried to get through a bloody barbed fence to chew our faces off, and no one pays any heed to all of it. Just screams 'Watch out! There's gonna be bloody murder tonight!', doesn't it?"

"Just because you're dressed like him, doesn't mean you have to _be_ him," Dr. Cox groaned.

"You're just jealous I'm smarter than you," House smirked, biting onto his pipe playfully. "But in all seriousness, let's get the FUCK back home!"

"Why, House?" Rika asked. "It's just fall weather. As for the barking dog…okay, admittedly, that was kind of freaky-doo."

"What? You never heard of the city's curse?"

"C-curse?" Porky repeated. "W-w-what curse?"

"Is it a curse of much candy?" Daffy asked excitedly.

House shot a toothy grin to the others. "Oh…this is gonna be fun." He turned to face Rika, Daffy and Porky with solemn look that instantly replaced the grin. "Supposedly, years ago and back when Crime City was about a year old, an unsettling of a dead witch's tomb triggered a curse that she placed on the city. The curse, I hear, occurs only during the month of October. It begins randomly. It strikes one individual target and…_transforms_ him or her into a monster. And I really mean, a _monster_. A being with no rational thought or motive. Just one instinct: To kill and to spread. The curse is like a virus. It's not airborne, but still contagious if it can get into your blood. As you can imagine, hundreds of lives were lost. But finally a group of survivors managed to subdue the curse."

"So they found a cure," Daffy grinned optimistically.

"Sort of. They killed everyone that was monsters." Daffy's grin immediately dropped. "Yeah…too simple of a treatment for me. I tend to go for the more complex, Rubik thing, but that's just me. But, anyway, the curse disappeared and Crime City was back to normal. However, some say that the only reason the curse died out was because the populace was too damn low. But Crime City's citizen count finally rose back up. And you know what? This year is when we finally have the same amount as the first time the curse began." Rika, Daffy and Porky gulped. "Yeah…pretty damn creepy, huh?" House whispered. "But!" He clapped his hands. "I'm sure it's only a legend! C'mon! Let's get to that party!"

House contentedly strutted forward with a skip in his step (or was it a limp?) as he left the others feeling either disgusted, annoyed or extremely frightened.

_**--**_

"HYA!" the Hero of Time, Link, boldly slashed at a Moblin's torso with his Master Sword, blood gushing all over before it collapsed.

"Yeah! Way to go!" Navi, Link's little fairy companion, cheered happily. "You just CUT! Take that, you ugly pig thing! Did you hear me? Hey! Listen! Hey! Listen!" Link didn't listen, though. He felt like a sort of dust in the air suddenly flew into his body through his nose as he was breathing. His breath grew labored. "Hey! Listen!" He could feel it spreading through his veins as his whole body seemed to be seizing. "Hey! Listen!" He dropped to his knees, feeling something changing within him as his fingers enlarged with claws. "Hey! Listen!" Beads of sweat dropped from his head, his jaw extending and teeth growing sharper. "HEY! LISTEN!" Link's clothes torn clean off as his body grew to enormous size with fur everywhere. "HEY! LIST-!"

Navi was finally silenced as she was slashed into pieces with a single swipe. Link's wolf-like eyes fixed themselves upon Crime City as he licked his hungry lips, as if he could already taste the human flesh between his fangs when he found his first prey. His pulled back on his paws, and charged to the city with incredible speed with only one thought in mind.

_**End of Chapter 1**_

CK5: Oh, my…looks like Link is our first victim! HEE-HEE-HEE!!

Mystery: If you're wondering, CK5 was inspired by _Twilight Princess_ for Link's monster form – a werewolf.

CK5: Got that right, witch-y! Read and Review, please!


	3. The Freaks Come Out at Night

_**Chapter 2 – The Freaks Come Out at Night**_

The town square of Crime City was dark, loud, plumping, had various colored lights circling it, and all its citizens dressed in their Halloween costumes as they danced wildly right along with the music playing. "Whoo!" Rika hooted.

"I feel the music in my soul moving my body," Bender said as he waved his shiny, metal ass. "Oh, wait. That's my MP3 player." He promptly opened his chest cabinet, where a thin music player rested, and hit the STOP button.

"Can't touch this! Ner-ner-ner…" JD hummed, wiggling his feet in and out as he slid side to side with Stitch struggling to keep up with him from the rear of their costume. "Ner-ner-ner-ner. STOP!" He punched his palm and bottom lip forward exaggeratedly. "Dorian Time!"

"Can we _please_ take a break?" Stitch asked, his breath labored and tongue hanging out as he panted. "Or maybe we should just split costumes so that we're both one-half of a slaughtered horse after paying a visit to glue factory?"

"Oh, and just when I we getting my 'groove' going," JD frowned. "All right. My throat was getting rather parched away." He reached his arm over backwards for their suit's zipper that held them together. "Er…Huston? We have a problem. The zipper's stuck."

"What?!" Stitch's hand shot for the zipper, tugging and jerking it all about – but it wouldn't budge. "Oh, for the love of Disney!"

"Welp, as they say, we'll just have to make the best of the situation," JD grinned haughtily.

"And what's that?" Stitch deadpanned.

"I dunno. I'll think it over as we get some punch." JD started marching for the party's refreshments stand as Stitch waddled behind him despondently. "One Appletini, please," JD said to the back-turned soda jerk. "Easy on the tini." JD felt a sharp jab at his back. "Oh, and three cups of coffee."

"Well, well, well? Look who's costume gonna win the Crime City Most Heart Attack Inducing Costume Award," the sly, devious, handsome, sneering face of the Janitor said with a wily grin from behind the refreshments stand.

"Janitor!" JD yelped, falling over backwards so that Stitch had to catch the dorky doctor. "I thought you not coming here with the group was suspicious! So what is it this time? You drop a roofie in my Appletini? Gonna slap my face into a cake made of dirt? Or are you going to go medieval on me and tar-and-feather me?!"

"Nah," the Janitor shrugged, wiping clean a beer mug he was holding with JD's costume. "I'm going to take the backseat of all the crazy shit going down this month."

JD shot a wary look at his eternal tormentor. "Why's that?"

"The curse," he answered simply as he kept open one eye to examine the beer mug. "Yo, your costume's filthy."

"Ha!" JD scoffed. "You believe in that stupid fairy tale? It's just something parents tell their children when they've been naughty in October."

The Janitor slammed the beer mug on the table with so much force that it shattered, startling JD and Stitch. The Janitor breathed in and out through his nose deeply as his nostrils flared furiously, not noticing that the mug's glass had cut his hand. "_You didn't see it_," he whispered harshly.

JD's mouth opened and closed several times before he choked out, "Y-You were there when the curse began?"

The Janitor sighed, pulling out a towel from behind the table to tend to his bloody hand. "It as long ago as you think it is. Crime City is still young. Yeah, I was here. Then again, I've been everywhere when something famous happened. It was _terrible_. The skies were ever black as the sun was hidden behind dark clouds, doors were ripped off their hinges, windows shattered, buildings were either falling apart or completely collapsed, and the bodies… They were everywhere, the monsters. Those who weren't infected were hunted. And those who were were also hunted. Everyone turning on each other 'cause they couldn't trust anyone. I was one of the survivors who finally rid of the curse. I never liked the decision. Death isn't a cure; it's a cheat. I had never seen anything more horrifying."

He sighed, closed his eyes for a moment, and opened them again to stare at the shocked JD and Stitch. "Have you _ever_ seen a mother put down her own daughter? 'I'm sorry, it's for the best.' 'She'll be better off.' 'Put her out of her misery.' 'Do it now before she infects the rest of us!'" The Janitor buried his face in his hands, rubbing his eyes. "I couldn't believe how I survived it. It was like a nightmare that wouldn't end unless we took our own lives – an option many of us weren't too afraid to take. And now, years later, it's going to start all over again."

"Janitor…" JD whispered, reaching for his shoulder to comfort. "Believe me. I'm not going to allow anything like that happen again."

"Pft," the Janitor sneered, frowning at JD. "Your promises mean nothing. The curse breaks men. What makes you believe you'll prevent it?"

"Because I promised," JD said unshakably. The Janitor and Stitch stared at him. "Did I stutter? Because I promised! I'm not going to let this get the best of this city this time. And no family will have to be torn apart because of some stupid curse. That I swear upon my license as a doctor."

"I'll help too!" Stitch nodded fiercely.

The Janitor shook his head, chuckling a bit. "You'd better."

"Hey, why don't you join the rest of the party?" JD pointed with his head to the Heart of Gold detectives, who caught sight of the Janitor and a few waved for him to join in the festivities.

"Nah," he said dismissively. "I've got a job to do."

"HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!" the Janitor, JD, and Stitch laughed mockingly.

_**--**_

After hours of fun and play, the noise finally died down as one of Crime City's leaders, Mayor Quimby, who was dressed as a toad stood on a stage with a microphone to address the citizens. "Oh, um, er…This has been one wild party!" he said slowly. "But, eh, as it's nearing midnight, it's time for you all go home. BEAT IT, YOU BUMS!!" Everyone stared blankly. "Er…kidding! Eh, yeah. Kidding. What? No one can take a joke? Well, now that's almost midnight, we shall be, er, announcing the winner of the Crime City Most Heart Attack Inducing Costume this year!" Everyone erupted into applause and cheers, some whistling excitedly.

"Eh, yeah. The votes have been tallied and here's the envelope!" Quimby smiled a faux smile as he held up a black and orange award envelope. "And the winner is…" He slowly unsealed the note, leaving much of the citizen's eagerly twitching in place and crossing their fingers as he or she hoped they'd win. With the sole exception of JD, who was crossing his leg since his costume didn't have any arms – let alone fingers. Mayor Quimby held up the letter inside and read the name, "LINK!"

Several people let out groans of disappointment but clapped along with the rest of the crowd. A young man crawled on all-fours in a werewolf costume onto the stage, where Mayor Quimby welcomed him with a grin that really showed that he wanted to win the award himself. "Eh, uh, congratulations, Link!" he said to the winner. "Please allow me to shake your hand." Link refused to stand up. "Come on, come on. We don't have all night. Just get up and get this over with." Quimby held out his hand to a snarling Link. "OW! The son of a bitch bit me!"

The Janitor narrowed his eyes. "No."

"Eh, does this look infected to you?" Quimby asked a random stagehand, who shrugged uselessly. "Erg…I don't feel too well. Ugh." He doubled over, his hand reaching over his migrating head. The citizens all broke out in whispers of confusion as to what was happening and whether this was all part of a skit being put on. Quimby's whole body shuddered feverishly, his skin slowly paling.

"My God…" Dr. Cox whispered.

Everyone gasped or screamed in terror as Quimby's costume tore away to reveal spikes lining down his back and a tail growing from his behind. Returning to his feet, Quimby bared his fangs with a mad look in his eyes.

"I knew Halloween was evil…" Daffy whimpered.

With two almighty roars, Quimby and Link leaped for the citizens, everyone now screaming in fear as they tried to escape the area as quickly as possible. "Bugger, bugger, bugger, bugger, bugger, bugger!!" Arthur Dent cried, running with the rest of the Heart of Gold detectives. "Why does these things always keep happening?!" The decapitated dead body of Juniper Lee suddenly fell in front of him, blood and gore slowly flowing out of the throat like the Mississippi. Arthur shrieked shrilly, waving his hands about.

"This can't be happening!!" Rika shouted. "Wait…this can't! I mean, this is a fanfiction! Nothing like _this_ can happen in a fanfiction, right?"

Everyone stared as a massive ogre Lilo towering over an imaginary friend named Eduardo was tearing him apart by his arms. "Si!" Eduardo bawled as his crotch area started splitting, soiling himself in the process. "It IS happening in a fanfiction!!" The imaginary friend was finally in relief as the rest of his body was completely ripped in half, the major organs dropping like rain in crimson puddles of blood.

"WE'RE FUCKED!!" the Heart of Gold detectives screamed. Suddenly, to much more of their horror, they heard rap music starting to play.

"_**The freaks come out at night!**_" the various monstrous beings sang as they marched toward the detectives._**  
**_"_**The freaks come out at night!  
The freaks come out at night!  
(The freaks come out)  
The freaks come out at night!**_

_**The freaks come out at night!  
The freaks come out at night!  
The freaks come out at night!  
(The freaks come out)  
The freaks come out at night!**_"

"_**Discos don't open till after dark,**_" a zombie Elvis Eddy sang, holding a microphone close to his decomposing lips with his three fingered hand. His zombie buddies, Edd and Ed, backed him up on a scratching board and bass guitar respectively.

"_**And it ain't till twelve till the party really starts,  
And I always had to be home by ten,  
Right before the fun was about to begin,  
Crowds of people lined up inside and out,  
Just one reason, to rock the house,  
But in the day time the streets was clear.  
You couldn't find a good freak anywhere, 'cause…**_"

"_**The freaks come out at night!**_" the various monstrous beings sang, chasing after the screaming Heart of Gold detectives._**  
**_"_**The freaks come out at night!  
The freaks come out at night!**_"

"_**The freaks come out!**_" Eddy sang, his mouth watering for fleshy brains. "_**You couldn't find a good freak anywhere, 'cause…**_"

"_**The freaks come out at night!  
The freaks come out at night!  
The freaks come out at night!**_"

"_**Yeah! Yeah!**_" Eddy waved his microphone up in the air. "_**You couldn't find a good freak anywhere, 'cause…**_"

"_**The freaks come out at night!  
The freaks come out at night!  
The freaks come out at night!  
(The freaks come out)  
The freaks come out at night!**_"

"_**Now when freaks get dressed to go out at night,**_" Eddy sang, sauntering over to Rika and her team as they were surrounded by monsters._**  
**_"_**They like to wear leather jackets, chains and spikes.  
They wear rips and zippers all in their shirts,  
Real tight pants and fresh mini skirts.  
All kinds of colors runnin' through their hair,  
And you could just about find a freak anywhere.  
But then again, you could know someone all their life,  
But might not know they're a freak unless you see them at night, 'cause…**_"_****_

"_**The freaks come out at night!  
The freaks come out at night!  
The freaks come out at night!  
(The freaks come out)  
The freaks come out at night!**_

_**The freaks come out at night!  
The freaks come out at night!  
The freaks come out at night!  
(The freaks come out)  
The freaks come out at night!**_"

"_**Now the party's jumpin', the place is packed,  
And when the crowd's like this, I'm ready to rap,  
But before I could bust a rhyme on the mic.  
Freaks are all over me like white on rice.  
Freaks come in all shapes, sizes and colors,  
But what I like about 'em most is that they're real good lovers.  
They do it in the park, they do it in the dark,  
But most freaks are known for breakin' hearts.**_"

Eddy grinned callously as he held up a live, beating heart that squirted blood from its arteries, causing Arthur and Porky to faint.

"_**You could never tell what a freak was thinkin' of.  
And you may never catch a freak without at least one glove,  
And they don't walk, when they step, they strut,  
And nine times out of ten they drive you nuts.**_

"_**But take my advice! You don't stand a chance!**_"

Thinking enough was enough, Rika, Ford Prefect, and the Janitor whipped out their respective weapons (a Keyblade, a towel, and a mop), started fighting their way through the monsters, and then quickly escaping to somewhere save – if there was any.

"_**Freaks are so bad they got their own dance!  
So if you wanna live a nice quiet life,  
Do yourself a favor, don't come out at night, 'cause…**_"_****_

"_**The freaks come out at night!  
The freaks come out at night!  
The freaks come out at night!**_"

"_**Hut one, hut two, hut, hut, hut!**_" Eddy laughed, sliding over to Ed and Edd. "_**The freaks come out!**_"

"_**The freaks come out at night!  
The freaks come out at night!  
The freaks come out at night!  
(The freaks come out)  
The freaks come out at night!!**_"

"Well, what do you think?" Eddy asked his fellow band mates.

"Buttered brains," Ed said stupidly, holding up a brain he had taken earlier. He quickly buttered it with a knife and took a bite into it, splashing green juice all over Edd and Eddy.

"Eat it with a bib, Ed!" Eddy rolled his eyes. "Sheesh! Brainless idiot."

_**End of Chapter 2**_

CK5: HEE-HEE-HEE!! And so it begins…

Mystery: Crypt Keeper 5 wants it perfectly clear right now that no one in this story is safe. He's going to target everyone's favorite characters so as to not appear biased. He's also going to target his own favorite characters.

CK5: Just wanted that to be clear so I don't get any stupid comments about that. And don't make me remind you that I said I was going to kill characters in disgustingly gore-y ways at the start of this story!

Mystery: Read and Review, please!


	4. Home, Scary Home

_**Chapter 3 – Home, Scary Home**_

Escaping the infected citizens was no easy task for the Heart of Gold detectives. Not only did they have to evade the pursuing monsters, but they also had to avoid coming in contact with them and not allow any harm come to the monsters themselves. As Rika argued, "They're still the innocent citizens of Crime City. We can't just go around killing them!"

But Daffy rebottled, "Oh, but it's easy. Just a quick decapitating or mutilation and they go down like rocks!" He then got a punch in the bill as a response.

The Heart of Gold detectives, however, managed to return to their apartment; where Daffy, Stitch, Arthur, JD, Yakko, Wakko and Dot swiftly barricaded all the entrances into their home. The three of them wheezed heavily, resting on their couch that was blocking the doorway from all the heave-lifting. Suddenly, they jumped into the air with yelps when they heard multiple fists knocking from the outside. "YOU DORKS!!" Trillian's voice yelled from the opposite side of the door. "YOU LOCKED THE REST OF US OUTSIDE!!"

"THAT'S SO NOT COOL!!" Rika's voice screamed.

"Heh, heh, whoops." JD chortled awkwardly, pushing the couch aside with Arthur and allowed the rest of his team in.

"What were you thinking, Debbie?!" Cox snapped, shoving the couch back next to the door with Yakko, Wakko and Dot. "You NEVER open the door in the middle of a plague – even to allow your fellow uninfected man in!"

"But, but, but!" JD tried to argue.

"Yes, my butt is INDEED fine. Thank you very much, but flattery won't get you anywhere in these times of dying," Cox said. JD groaned despondently.

"Oh, you're home already?" an even more despondent voice droned. Toddling to the detectives was their robot, Marvin the Paranoid Android, a robot so manically depressed that his mere voice speakers projected a tone so disheartening that it made the two heads of Zaphod involuntarily smack into each other. "I was so dearly hoping you all would have gotten wasted at the party so I could have been left alone in my last moments of functionality as the last of my circuits and bulbs finally shut down. But, alas, God hates me. Oh, how he _loathes_ me. Lord, I hate my life. But I digress. How was the party?"

"Oh, you know how these Halloween bashes go," Yakko shrugged. "You dance. You eat. You drink. One guy decides to ruin the party by turning some of us into monsters from an ancient, evil curse brought upon us to destroy all life in the world. You know – the works."

"Sounds dreadful," Marvin slurred. "Remind me to never enjoy the holidays. Oh, wait. I already don't."

"We don't need this right now, Marvin!" Arthur snapped.

"Hey!" Bender shoved Arthur in the shoulder. "Don't take out your anger on a robot, meat bag!"

"Hey! Don't take out your vengeance on Arthur, tin man!" JD shouted, poking Bender in the chest.

"Hey! Don't think I can't defend myself, mousse head!" Arthur yelled, slapping JD's head.

"Hey! Only _I_ can slap Newbie's head, pajama man!" Cox barked, tackling Arthur to the ground and the two started brawling. JD looked to Bender and Bender looked at JD. They both shrugged and hopped in to the fight of punching, kicking, biting, and any other moves one would declared illegal in a boxing match.

"Oi! Oi! OI!!" Ford shouted, whipping his towel at the large mess of male bodies rubbing against each other. Wow, that's pretty sick even for me. "People, people!" he said. "We've got to stick together in these times! And remember one simple thing…" Ford held up his copy of _The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy_. "'Don't Panic'," he recited with clear conviction.

_The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has this to say about…The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy:_

"_The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy," it says, "is a wholly remarkable book. Perhaps the most remarkable, certainly the most successful book, ever to come out of the great publishing corporations of Ursa Minor. More popular than _The Celestial Homecare Omnibus_, better selling than _53 More Things to Do in Zero Gravity_, and more controversial than No Limit 5's _Why DC is better than Marvel _series. It's already supplanted the _Encyclopedia Galactica _as the standard repository of all knowledge and wisdom for two important reasons. First, it's slightly cheaper, and second, it has the words 'Don't Panic' printed in large, friendly letters on its cover._"

"Oh, don't break out that 'Don't Panic' crap!" Arthur snapped. "Now is the PERFECT time to be panicking!"

Ford scowled. "Ford's right, guys," Rika whispered, walking toward a large supercomputer resting in the corner of the room with multiple television screens minding its own business. "We've got to stay calm and collected if we're going to save the town."

"'Save the town'?" Daffy repeated in disbelief. "Er, Key-Girl? I know we've got a duty and all, but we're facing a whole horde of infectious monsters that'll massacre the lot of us if we come near them! How do you expect us to survive all this, let alone save the town?!"

"We've got to try, Daffy," Rika sighed, pulling up some files from the supercomputer. "Doing nothing won't help. And we can't just expect someone else to save us; we've got to take care of ourselves."

Daffy moaned, "I'm scared…"

Porky patted his fellow Tune's shoulder and shook his head. "M-m-me too, Daffy. M-me too…"

"I think…" Zaphod drawled, "I'm going to drown out my fear in alcohol. I'll whip up some Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters."

_The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has this to say about alcohol:_

"_Here's what the _Encyclopedia Galactica_ has to say about alcohol," it says. "It says that alcohol is a colorless volatile liquid formed by the fermentation of sugars and also notes its intoxicating effect on certain carbon-based life forms. _The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy_ also mentions alcohol. It says that it's an absolute necessity for adulthood. It also says that the best drink in existence is the Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster – only rivaled by rum. It says that that the effect of drinking a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster is like having your brains smashed out by a slice of lemon wrapped round a large gold brick._

_The _Guide_ also tells you on which planets the best Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters are mixed, how much you can expect to pay for one and what voluntary organizations exist to help you rehabilitate afterwards. The _Guide_ even tells you how you can mix one yourself. Take the juice from one bottle of Death from the Grim Reaper, it says. Be sure to avoid the two, little kids that own him. Pour into it one measure of water from the seas of The Little Mermaid. Allow three cubes of Frozen Smurfs to melt into the mixture (it must be properly iced or the benzene is lost). Allow four liters_ _of warthog gas to bubble through it, in memory of all those happy meerkats who have died of pleasure in Hakuna Matata. Over the back of a silver spoon float a measure of the dark apple of the Evil Queen, subtle, sweet and mystic. Drop in the tooth of a Rugrat. Watch it dissolve, spreading the fires of the hormones of teenaged boys when they have viewed the film _Who Framed Roger Rabbit_ deep into the heart of the drink. Sprinkle pixie dust. Add an olive. Drink…but…very…carefully._

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy _sells rather better than the _Encyclopedia Galactica."

"W-w-what are you d-d-doing, Rika?" Porky asked.

"I'm trying to see if there's any way to find a cure to the curse," Rika answered, tapping slowly on the supercomputer's keyboard. "But I'm not sure whether to go medical or magical on that. Hey, House! Dr. Cox! Think you can help?"

"Well, took you damn long enough," House grumbled, limping over to the supercomputer on his cane.

"We'll need a blood sample from the infected in order for us to properly examine the curse," Cox said. "Too bad that ain't happening."

"No problem," the Janitor said. "I've got a blood sample."

"Huh?" Cox raised a surprised eyebrow. "How'd you get it?"

The Janitor turned to Arthur, who was lying on the floor in the fetal position whimpering. "Hey, pajama man. Give me your robe."

Arthur shot a glowering look at the Janitor. "What're the magic words?"

"Hurry up or I'll sick my thugs on you?"

Arthur sighed, "Close enough." He striped of his pajama robes, handing it to Janitor. He tossed it to Cox, who examined it and noticed some red stains. "Huh," Arthur mused. "Must've been when that Juniper girl fell in front of me."

Cox shrugged. "Eddie!" he called. "Get me a full scan on this blood and give me all the DNA details." He held up the pajama robes, expecting a beam of green light to scan it. "Hello? Eddie?"

"He won't reply," Marvin intoned. "I've been talking to Eddie."

It was House's turn to raise an eyebrow. "And?"

"It hates me," Marvin sighed dejectedly. "I got very bored and depressed, so I went and plugged myself into Eddie's external computer feed. I talked to the computer at great length and explained my view of the universe to it."

"And what happened?" Bender asked, interested.

"He committed suicide," Marvin answered dismally. "Though, he was rather frightened that mouse Jerry that lives here had turned into a vampire and chewed on my wiring." Everyone's eyes shot wide open when they finally noticed that Marvin's usual green-lit eyes were dark red. "Please don't judge me." He slowly stomped toward them, his right arm transformed into a large circular blade.

"Marvin…" Trillian whispered.

The manically depressed/murderous robot lunged at JD, who shrieked like a little girl as he narrowly avoided the blade. "He's one of them!" he yelled.

Zaphod, who hiding behind the kitchen's counter, raised his drunken heads and turned them left and right with a nicely chilled Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster in his third hand. "Can you keep it quiet? I'm having massive hangover here!" His right head turned left and noticed that his other head had disappeared. "The hell?" Zaphod looked down to see a bloody stump of a neck. He looked down on the floor to see his other head, eyelids half closed and eyes have completely rolled up inside its head. He then turned to see the mechanical horror known as Marvin standing in front of him, brandishing his saw menacingly. "Marvin, I thought we were pals? Best buds? Amigos? _Life partners_?"

Ford quickly tackled his semi-cousin to the ground before Marvin's saw could take out the last head. "Yeah, Marvin's acting a bit crazy right now," Ford moaned, checking his head to see if anything's missing.

"Ford, you Zarkin' frood! You made me spill my Gargle Blaster!" Zaphod frowned, holding up his shattered martini glass.

Ford patted his shoulder. "I'll make you a new one," he sighed weakly.

Meanwhile, Rika was deflecting Marvin's saw with her Keyblade. "Marvin, come on! It's us, your friends and family! Wake up! Remember all the good times we had?" she pleaded helplessly. Marvin merely increased in his speed. "Oh, right. HOUSE! COX!" Rika yelled. "Are you done with that examination yet?!"

"Don't rush us!!" Cox shouted, spreading spittle everywhere as sweat pour down his brow. House rapidly tapped keys on the supercomputer as Cox searched through various books.

"Oh, sure. Take your time. It's not like we're gonna be HACKED INTO LITTLE, BLOODY PIECES OF FLESH!!" Arthur cried, whipping his towel to keep Marvin at bay.

"And…got it!" House hit the ENTER button, and out ejected a disc from the computer.

"L-l-let's go-go-go-go, get the FUCK outta here!" Porky shouted.

Bender and JD quickly rushed to the couch blocking to door and attempted to push it aside. "Urgh…" JD groaned, shoving against the heavy object with all his might. "Something's wrong! No matter how much we push, it won't budge!"

"Oh…we're supposed to _push_ it? My bad." Bender simply flicked his robotic finger, sending the couch sliding across the room with JD holding on to it.

The couch came crashing into a wall, flipping JD over the side and landing on the cushions. "Er, I don't wanna go to give that man a suppository, Dr. Cox…" JD mumbled dizzily, his eyes rolling around in circles. Shaking his senses back, JD looked up at the ceiling but found something blocking his view. "MARVIN!" he screamed. Marvin raised his circular blade up, ready to leave JD a bloody mess. JD raised his arms over his eyes, preparing for the worst.

_BLAM!_

"JD!" Rika gasped.

"Oh! The pain! The agonizing pain! I can't stand this pain! Oh, what a world, what a world!" an unharmed JD babbled, his arms still over his closed eyes.

"Newbie…" Cox scowled. "You're not dead. How very unlucky for me."

"I'm not?" JD lowered his arms to feel over his body to make sure. "Oh, thank God."

"You should be thanking me." JD looked toward the window to see a strange man resting on the window frame. JD looked to the floor and noticed that Marvin's face had a bullet hole that went straight through his large, orbed head as wires, circuit boards and sparks were flying out of it. He turned back to look at the man. He wore a large, brown overcoat with an oversized revolver in his left hand. Red skin, pointed tail, and sawed off horns; the man lit a cigar in his mouth with a Zippo lighter. He removed the cigar with his massive stone right hand and said, "The name's Hellboy. Here to help save the city." Hellboy hopped off the window and stomped over to Marvin's barely functioning body. "I've got a message for you," he said with an unusual amount of gentleness. "'We apologize for the inconvenience.'"

Astonishingly, Marvin responded. "I think," he murmured at last, from deep within his corroding, rattling thorax, "I feel good about it." The lights went out in his eyes for absolutely the very last time ever. His already worn circuits then completely stopped working, and Marvin was no more.

"Miserable git!" Arthur growled at the lifeless heap. But then he sniffed. "I'll _miss_ him."

_**End of Chapter 3**_

CK5: I wasn't joking when I said I'll be killing off my favorite characters…

Mystery: Marvin… (sniffs) Yeah. Please Read and Review.

**For Douglas**


	5. Hail to the King

_**Chapter 4 – Hail to the King**_

After a proper burial for Marvin (they repackaged his bits, pieces, and parts and placed him in a closet) and removing their costumes; Rika, Daffy, Yakko, Wakko, Dot, Stitch and JD stared in interest at Hellboy as he polished his revolver, the Good Samaritan. He reloaded it, spun the cylinder, pulled the hammer, and aimed it with a shut eye. Satisfied with the results, he reset the hammer and holstered it with a smile. Hellboy turned to his awed peers, staring at each other in silence for nearly a minute. "Hey," he finally said, waving his intimating stone hand at them.

"Hey…" they responded, waving back.

"Er, well, I think you kids should be packing some more heat than just some shields, nunchucks, and a giant key," Hellboy said, scratching the back of his head awkwardly. "It's a hellhole out there." The Heart of Gold detectives nodded pathetically. "Jeez, I hate working with these inexperienced guys. Slow, clumsy, always get in the way…"

"Hey! We've been in our fair share of fights!" Rika protested, storming up to Hellboy and started prodding him in the chest – rather difficult as he was quite taller than her. "My team and I have faced all sorts of dangers and threats, and we made it through them without breaking a sweat! I'll have you know that I single-handedly…well, I can't say it due to spoilers for _Kingdom Hearts: Link to Life_, but I assure you that it was epic and fantastic!"

"Heh, scrappy. I like that," Hellboy grinned, ruffling Rika's auburn hair. She frowned dejectedly.

"Don't you worry, Red," the Janitor said, lugging across the room with Ford and Arthur from his custodial equipment closet a bag full of various guns, firearms, and artillery. He, himself, carrying a strap-on submachine gun over his shoulders, black war paint under his eyes, and a blue ribbon tied around his forehead. "I knew we were gonna need some firepower someday."

"Janitor!" Stitch gasped, digging through the bag of deadly weapons as if it was a sack of brightly wrapped gifts from Santa Claus. "Where'd you get all these weapons?"

"Apparently Mister Jumpsuit has been holding out on us until the curse came back again," House answered, pulling out a sniper rifle from the bag and rested on it like a second cane.

"H-H-How deus ex machina…" Porky stuttered, feeling an attraction to two junk guns as he weighted them in his hands.

"What I don't understand is why didn't the city prepared itself for the curse if everyone knew about it," Rika pondered, adopting a short, single barrel shotgun.

"You've got to stop thinking about the plot holes and just go along for the wild ride!" Bender cackled manically, firing a machine gun wildly in the air as everyone ducked for cover. "WHOO!" he hooted, his finger still pulling on the trigger as golden shells scattered over the floor like rain. Finally, Bender ran out of rounds and stared at his gun. Everyone stood from their hiding places, all with annoyed expressions across their faces as they glowered at the robot. "Heh, heh, heh," Bender grinned uncomfortably. "Whoops?"

Wakko promptly knocked Bender to the ground with a large wooden mallet strike to the head. "Faboo," Wakko saluted proudly to Rika, his tongue sticking out.

Rika sighed and turned her head to Cox, who was busy toiling way at the supercomputer that was once known as Eddie as he attempted to find a cure. "Any luck?" she asked.

Cox shook his head, dropping his hands into his pockets as he turned to face the rest of the group. "Well, I have my diagnosis: We're boned."

"That's my line!" Bender snapped, raising his head. Wakko whacked his mallet against Bender's head again.

"I don't know. All I know is that this plague is spreading through penetration through the skin, shut downs the logic sector of the brain, and alters your DNA into a monster." Cox sighed, rubbing his temples with his fore and middle fingers. "I don't think there IS a cure. Maybe death is the only way…"

"Like hell!" House sneered, limping over to Cox and snatching the test's results. "I ain't giving up without a fight!" He gave the results a quick look-through. "Damn, worse than I thought. I'll load my rifle."

"Can't there be a spell that can reverse all this?" Trillian suggested, though was loading a handgun just in case. "I mean, a spell was what caused all this; every spell has to have a counter spell."

Everyone turned to their on-the-job wizard, Daffy, for answers. Daffy immediately started sweating bullets. "Ah, well, erm…of course there's counter spells!" He gave a mocking laugh.

"Then do you know one?!" Dot asked excitedly.

Daffy's laughing ceased. "Er…" He gulped. "I-I-I, maybe. Sure I do! But, er… What are you all looking at me for? WHY?" Daffy looked into his comrades' eyes and sighed. "Okay, the truth is I was kicked out of magic school. I'm not a full wizard like Donald. Go on! Throw me to the monsters out there!" Weeping in despair, he dropped to his knees and started slamming his fist on the floor. "I'm a failure! I can't do anything right! No wonder I'm playing second banana to a bucktooth, carrot-chomping fleabag!" Green mucus starting to leak from his nostrils as his crying increased.

"Daffy," Rika whispered, pulling the black duck to his feet. "Quit the crying." Daffy's eyes literally turned into faucets as they expelled tears. She slapped his face, reverting it back to normal and sending his bill spinning around his face until it reset back in place. "You're not a failure. You're one of the best wizards I know. Hell, I can't even do a _quarter_ of the things you can do. So what if you were expelled? You can still pull off some powerful spells." Daffy sniffled, his eyes increasing in size from Rika's sentimental pep-talk. "Come on, Daffy, you've got to know _something_ about counter-curses?"

Daffy shook away his emotional eyes as he adopted a Thinker-position, sitting on a rolled-up Stitch ball. "I DO remember something from my Defense Against the Dark Arts class."

"What wizard school did you go to, Hogwarts?" Arthur deadpanned.

"They mentioned that any curse could be reversed as long as one knew the original magic words that created said curse and a being of pure good intentions recited it backwards," Daffy said.

"See?" Rika smiled, throwing her arm around a proud Daffy's shoulders. "What'd I tell ya?"

"Er, there's just a teeny, tiny problem there, kiddies," Cox smiled sweetly, which disappeared right away. "We don't know the original magic words."

"Maybe we do…" Hellboy said, stroking his chin thoughtfully. "Everyone, arm yourselves. We're going out."

Without another thought, everyone started arming themselves with the Janitor's guns except Arthur. He asked, "Erm, if you don't mind me asking, where are we going?"

Hellboy cocked the Samaritan. "Shopping."

_**--**_

"I thought about staying…" a department store clerk said to his fellow co-worker. "They offered me the chance to lead them, to teach them, to…to be king!" The brown-haired clerk wasn't much to look at, but his chin was _magnificent_. Strangely, his right hand was wearing a glove while his left wasn't. "But, my place is here in my own time and the S-Mart's hardware department, so I swallowed the sleeping juice and said the words and here I am!"

His bored-as-hell co-worker grumbled, "Did you say the words _right_ this time, Ash?"

His eyes shifting left and right, the clerk with a chin called Ashley J. Williams answered, "Well, maybe not _every_ tiny little syllable, but I basically said them. Yeah!" He looked away. "Basically. I got labeling to do." Picking up his standard label gun, Ash marched back to work.

Ash muttered to himself something about Deadites, an Army of Darkness, evil twins, and a Necronomicon Ex-Mortis book as he price-tagged the merchandise of the superstore he worked at. Suddenly, he eyed a pair of fine-looking female legs. Ash's eyes looked up at a pretty, blonde woman. "You know that story of how you could've been king?" she said to him. "I think it's kind of cute, creating your own little world."

Ash licked his left hand, pulled back his hair suavely, and gave a cheesy smile. "Yeah…my own little world."

Without warning, all the lamps of the store exploded, sprinkling the floor with glass fragments and sparks. A gust of wind blew from the entrance, startling the woman Ash was speaking to. A horrifying roar rang out sending chills down everyone's spines. With the speed of the wind, a zombie Ash Ketchum stood before Ash and the woman, screeching like a banshee. Ash shoved the screaming woman to the side for safety as Ash Ketchum backhanded Ash across the department and landing into a pile of boxes. Ash Ketchum ripped a cash register clean from its bolted table, and lifted it over his head to demonstrate his incredible strength. A little yellow mouse Pokemon named Pikachu stood before him, pleading him to cease and desist. The zombie promptly kicked the little fuzz-ball into a ceiling fan, splattering blood and guts over everyone and everything.

"DIE!!" Zombie Ash Ketchum thundered, heaving the heavy cash register over the beautiful blondie.

But Ashley wasn't going down anytime soon. Pulling himself from the box heap, Ash ripped off his glove to reveal a metallic hand and used it to break open a glass case of shotguns and the lock of a gardening tool shed. Just as Ash Ketchum was about to crush the poor, innocent, and big breasted beauty, a gunshot destroyed the cash register. "Kid," Ash called, leveling a sawed-off double-barreled 12 gauge Remington shotgun in the zombie's direction and a revving chainsaw having replacing his metal hand, "I'm afraid I have to ask you to leave this store."

"Who the hell are you?!" Zombie Ash demanded.

"The name's Ash," Ash the Badass answered, rolling his shotgun around and cocking it with one hand, "Housewares."

Shrieking furiously, Ash Ketchum charged at the man with the chin. Ash tossed his shotgun into the air, hopping onto a chart and rolling toward the zombie. Catching the falling shotgun, he unloaded multiple rounds on the possessed Pokemon Trainer. Ash Ketchum examined his wounds and growled, "I'll swallow your soul! There can only be ONE Ash!"

"Wait, your name's Ash too?" Ash shuddered. "And I thought my evil self had an ugly mug."

Ash Ketchum leaped for Ash, who smacked the end of his gun across the zombie's jaw. Wobbling, Ash Ketchum glared at the clerk and gave him the finger. Ash fired more shells at the zombie, but he was quick and tried to swipe at Ash with claws. Ash swung his chainsaw at Zombie Ash Ketchum, but he jumped away – onto a trampoline and flipped through the air. You CAN'T make this stuff up. Ash fired his gun in the air, missing the monster just inches. When Zombie Ash Ketchum landed, he cheered, "Ten points!"

His decapitated head then fell to the clean, spotless floor from his neck as Ash held up his bloody chainsaw right hand. Ash ripped off his tie and opened his blue shirt, revealing impressive muscles; his sweat had washed away the make up he put on to hide his scars from many battles. Ash holstered his shotgun as all the people in S-Mart gave uproarious applause and the beautiful blonde walked up to him. Ash pulled her into a dip. "Hail to the king, baby," he drawled, kissing her deeply on the lips.

"Ah…ahem." Ash pulled away from his lip-lock to see Hellboy with Rika and her team standing behind the demon prince, a few members were either horrified or in awe from the badass-try of Ash's performance. "Yeah, we need your help."

Ash nodded with a grin crawling across his face, licking his dry lips. "Groovy."

_**End of Chapter 4**_

CK5: Ash Williams is the BEST! Though, I must admit, I never seen a single _Evil Dead_ movie. But I did my research on his character! I hope you all can forgive me and that I kept him in character well enough.

Mystery: I thought Ash was already out of character half-way through _Evil Dead 2_?

CK5: Erm…that's what his creator said. (shrugs) Read and Review, please!


	6. Parking Lot of DOOM!

_**Chapter 5 – Parking Lot of DOOM!**_

"What brings you to my neck of the woods, eh HB?" Ash said as he rested on a lawn chair in the middle of the store, drinking from a plastic cup of alcohol. He pointed a finger at Hellboy. "Make a joke about a cabin and I swear that when I through with you that you don't need to keep filing those horns of yours," he warned gravely.

"Yeah, can I assume that you already know about the city's curse?" Hellboy asked.

"And where'd you get a chainsaw hand like that?!" Wakko added excitedly, hopping all around Ash's right hand.

"My hand was possessed so I hacked it off," he answered dully.

"Ooh…" Wakko and his siblings nodded solemnly.

"That must've required quite a bit of technical know-how, huh?" Yakko said, holding up Ash's arm and examining it.

"Yeah, I gue-"

"And you're dreamy to boot," Dot cooed, landing in his other arm and throwing her hands around his neck. "I'm Dot, but you can call me cute! I'm sure your chin's more than enough for you and me…"

"What the fu-?!"

"Ashley J. Williams, you're our NEW special friend!" Yakko declared, putting a sign around Ash's neck by iron chains that read "SPECIAL FRIEND".

"Oh, shit no!" Ash cried out in protest, whipping out his shotgun and cocking it.

"Eh, eh, eh, eh!" Hellboy shook his head, pulling the shotgun upward with his stone fist. Ash's nostrils flared heatedly and his left eye twitching abnormally. "Save it for the folks outside."

Grumbling, Ash reluctantly dropped his weapon and slumped back down into his lawn chair. "So I'm guessing you guys want the words to the curse, right?"

"I'm not sure. Where are we right now?" Zaphod murmured distantly, looking around confusedly.

"What's up with him?" Bender asked Ford, jerking his thumb as Zaphod was peeking into a barbeque grill curiously.

"I think it's because Marvin sawed off Zaphod's second head, which contained half of his brain," Ford said, pulling Zaphod back by the shirt before his last head caught fire.

"Ugh," Bender groaned, throwing his hands up in the air in disgust. "You meat-bags and your various anatomies; it's too damn confusing and it sickens me to the gears! We robots are obviously superior to you jerk-wads, what with being super strong and our bodies can be repaired easily."

Stitch simply flicked an OFF switch on Bender's back with half-opened eyes, making the robot fall to the ground in the exact same posture he was in a moment ago. "And you robots can just as easily be shut off," Stitch smirked deviously.

Rolling her eyes at her comrades, Rika nodded to Ash. "Yeah, we need to find the words. Do you know them?"

Ash embarrassingly rubbed his huge chin as he searched for the right words. "Well, babe, I do – but I don't. I don't know the words exactly, but I know where you can find them: in the Necronomicon Ex-Mortis AKA the Sumerian Book of the Dead."

"Sounds like the pure, unadulterated embodiment of evil that'll unleash all the forces of Hell upon an unsuspecting world who'll enslave us all as their slaves and meals," Cox deadpanned.

"Like your ex-wife!" House smiled happily as Cox glowered at him.

"All right, then we'll just get the book," Rika said simply, then turned her head to Ash. "By the way, don't call me bade."

"Fine by me," Ash shrugged. "It's not like I need anymore restraining orders put against me. Besides, you're flatter than Keira Knightley."

"I'll rip your lungs out through your throat and force feed it back down!" she screeched, swinging her Keyblade wildly as JD and Porky held her back.

"Er, um, d-d-do you hav-hav-hav, have it handy on your person by any chance?" Porky asked hopefully.

"Yeah, see? That's the problem," Ash said. "I did – but now I don't. I kind of ditched the book in the middle of some haunted woods near the edge of town that's filled to overflowing with horrifying beasts, monsters and demons…"

"Oh, aren't YOU a clever boy?" Daffy said sardonically. "Did we just come here to find out that we were screwed from the start, because I'm pretty sure we knew that already?!"

After calming from her spaz attack, Rika said, "I guess we have no choice but to enter those woods and find that Necro book thing. Thanks for the help, Ash."

She waved for the others to follow, but Ash hopped to his feet and zoomed in her path. "Hold it, little lady!" he snapped. "Ain't no way some kids like you can get through a forest like that without getting dismembered! Even with the giant goat man here."

"I'll break you," Hellboy warned, holding up his stone fist forebodingly.

"Are you suggesting you join the party?" Rika smirked cheekily.

"Party? What's that, some of your teenaged lingo?" Ash asked, but shook his head. "Forget it. There's no way in HELL I'll go back to those woods! I'm just saying you're gonna need some more backup if you're actually going to go through with this suicide mission."

Hellboy raised a curious eyebrow. "Are you thinking what I think you're thinking?"

Ash gave a smug grin. "We're gonna have to make a few calls."

"Why do I have a feeling a lot of us are going to die to make some more room for these new guys?" JD gulped.

_**--**_

Standing impatiently outside on the S-Mart parking lot, Ash tapped his left foot as he aggravatingly peeked at his watch. "So, who'd you call?" Wakko asked eagerly. "Another guy with a missing hand only his hand is a hoe?!"

"No, but my girlfriend's one," Ash answered monotonously.

Yakko blew a kiss to you, the reader(s). "Goodnight, everybody!" he waved farewell.

"Dammit, they're late!" Ash growled, slamming his chainsaw against a sign post.

"Well, it's not like they picked up when you called 'em," Trillian frowned. "All you did was leaved the message 'YO! GET YOUR ASS TO MY STORE!' in their answer machines."

"They understood my point," he sniffed indignantly.

Having been bored for a long time now (two minutes), Stitch had resorted to playing with a yo-yo. But then his ears perked upward as he heard a sound. He sniffed the air and growled quietly. "We've got company."

"Aw, cra-"

Before even given the chance to complete his groan, a vicious Link pounced on Hellboy to the ground from behind. Caught off guard by the sudden attack, everyone was ill prepared as multiple infected citizens stormed into the parking lot. "Why didn't we see any these guys coming?!" Cox cried as he fired his Uzi at an ugly bitch-witch named Cream the Rabbit, shredding her to pieces.

"Quit complaining about the plot holes!" House yelled from the roof of the superstore, reloading his sniper rifle. He looked into the eyepiece and carefully aimed, nailing an armor-piercing bullet through the skull of a behemoth Po the Panda that was about to lunge at Cox. "And don't expect me to always be around to cover your ass!"

"Grr," Cox grumbled as he glared up at House, but his eyes grew to the size of saucers. "Oh, please no. WATCH YOUR BACK!"

"Huh?" House just turned his head when his entire skeletal system was shattered to fragments by a giant Torque.

"HOUSE!" Rika screamed.

"You mother-fucking son of a bitch…" Cox whispered furiously, pulling back on his Uzi's trigger on the giant Torque. He attempted to shield himself with his arms, but it was futile as the beast collapsed and came crashing to the cement ground from his bullet wounds. Storming over to the dead infected, Cox roared, "I'm not finished with you yet! ARGH!" He unloaded the rest of his shells in Torque's face, unwilling to leave anything behind but a skull with a ruined face.

"Quit wasting your ammo, Curly!" the Janitor shouted, firing his submachine gun at a ghostly Mario. Luckily for him, he was using holy water-soaked bullets that easily torn through the flesh and bone of Mario.

Seething silently, Cox finally sighed. "Well," he murmured, pulling from his coat pocket a picture of House pulling a prank on him by having a patient pretending to flatline on him, "looks like our rivalry's been put to rest too." He dropped the picture, drifting through the air as it landed gently on the ground.

Meanwhile, Hellboy wrestled with Link for dominance all the while holding Link's sharp jaws from sinking into him with his stone fist. When he finally had gotten the chance, he reached for his revolver. But Link saw was he was doing and slashed Hellboy's fleshy hand. "Argh!" he cried in pain, dropping the Samaritan to the side.

"HB!" Rika gasped. She quickly disposed of her current opponent in JoJo McDodd with a quick shotgun shot in the face, leaving him withering and howling on the ground. Rika drew her Keyblade but found her path blocked off by more of the infected. Take a quick look around, she realized that everyone was surrounded. "Shit," she cursed.

"W-w-we're trapped!" Porky screamed.

"Nooo, you think?" Daffy snarled, whipping his magical nunchaku forward and set a zombie Demyx ablaze with a Fire spell. Rika, Daffy and Porky found them backed up against each other as hordes and hordes of infected led by Link slowly advanced on them.

"MAKE WAY FOR THE MAIN MAN!"

Hooting wildly, a strange man with pale skin and dressed in black leather flew through the air on a rocket-powered motorcycle, fired shots from a massive dual-barreled pistol at the infected surrounding the trio, and obliterating them. "Who the bloody hell is that?!" Arthur shouted.

Ash flashed his cocky grin again as his chainsaw arm tore through the top of Ogre Lilo's skull. "Backup!"

Ford whipped his blue towel, keeping a group of beastly pirates once known as the Straw Hats at bay but was finding himself in trouble. Suddenly, all the Straw Hats dropped dead except their captain, Luffy. Snarling, Luffy turned around to see a red-clad mercenary with various weapons strapped to his torso and two blades crossed on his back. He carried two pistols in his hands that still had smoke billowing from their ends. "Yo, Mister Fantastic. What's up?" he waved nonchalantly. Luffy, livid, stretched his arm forward in attempt to punch the mysterious assassin; but he easily avoided it, drew one of his blades and lopped off the pirate captain's head. "So, rain check on that reunion?" he asked, crouching down and prodding Luffy's decapitated body.

The Warners all gulped as a pack of werewolves that were the Avatar gang growled as the beasts bared their fangs. "Anyone want a holiday ham?" Wakko said hopefully, pulling from behind his back a large ham with a pineapple splice on it.

Before the gang could feast on their prey, a mysterious red cape blew through the air as they as gazed at it in interest. Finally, that red cape came to a gentle landing behind the infected, swirled as it grew larger, and revealed a man (or, at least, that's what they thought he was) in black. He was a being in a full-body symbiotic sort of covering, glowing green eyes, and chains hanging, no, _clinging_ to his body. "Didn't anyone tell you to fight someone your own size?" he said in a deep, intimating voice that seemed to echo. The Avatar werewolves all charged for their new prey, but didn't expect to find themselves impaled with spinning drills that formed from the man's crimson cape.

"Special friend?" Dot asked her eldest brother.

He shook his head. "Nah. He's cool."

Realizing they weren't prepared for these new opponents, Link gave a booming howl as a signal. He released himself from Hellboy and quickly retreated with his comrades – at least for now. "Ugh…" Hellboy groaned, wiping the blood from his mouth. "About time you guys got here," he said to the three newcomers.

"Hey, it isn't my fault!" the mercenary tried to defend himself. "My teleporter was malfunctioning and teleported me to some place where a werewolf hedgehog was killing a city's citizens! Strangely enough, that blue thing over there looks like one of those victims," he said, jerking his thumb toward Stitch.

"Friends of yours?" Rika asked Ash and Hellboy as the remaining members of her Heart of Gold detectives walked in. Cox was holding his head low, unable to keep it up.

"Ladies, gentlemen, robots, and freaks!" Ash exclaimed, holding his arms out to the three. "I present to you, in order of appearance, Lobo, Deadpool and Spawn!"

"Hey, where's Ghost Rider?" Hellboy asked. Suddenly, everyone heard a low rumbling sound of a motorcycle growing louder. They all turned their heads in one direction where they spotted a large motorcycle with wheels of hellfire ride toward them. Coming to a stop, its rider carefully exited his vehicle – a leather-clad skeleton with a skull of blazing fire.

"Erm…" he coughed uncomfortably in a powerful, demonic voice. "Sorry I'm late?"

_**End of Chapter 5**_

CK5: House…I loved that man.

Mystery: If you're wondering who Torque is, he's Phantom64's favorite video game hero and CK5 just wanted to piss him off.

CK5: Only because he complained to me that I might kill off Rika. (groans in disgust) By the way, I must admit I don't know Deadpool very well, but I really like the character from readings about him and (like Ash) I did my research on him. Hope you Deadpool fans will forgive me!

Mystery: Finally, Deadpool mentioning a werewolf hedgehog killing off citizens is a reference to Papa T 41's _Werehog Season_ story. Okay, Read and Review please!


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